TED演讲之什么是爱:探索性商的奥秘(2)
In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.
在爱情中，我们想要拥有，我们想要了解我们的爱人
We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap.
我们想腻在一起，想跨越阻碍
We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness.
我们想调和不安的情绪，我们想亲密无间。
But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.
而在性欲方面，我们不想回到我们已经经历过的地方。
Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.
过时的结论提不起我们的兴趣。
In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit,
在性欲方面，我们想找的是我们的另一半，一个在彼岸,一个我们想去探索的另一半。
that we can go spend some time with,
一个我们想呆在一起的另一半
that we can go see what goes on in their red light district.
和一个我们能探索其瘾秘的内心世界的另一半
In desire, we want a bridge to cross.
在性欲中，我们想找的是一座沟通的桥梁。
Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.
换言之，“一个巴掌拍不响啊”
Desire needs space.
性欲也需要空间。
And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.
这样说或许有点抽象吧。
But then I took a question with me.
带着一个问题
And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years
几年间我带着"Mating in Captivity" 这本书走访了20多个国家
with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people,
每到一处，我都会问人们:
when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?
"你什么时候最喜欢和爱人呆在一起？"
Not attracted sexually, per se, but most drawn.
我说的是呆在一起而不是一起性爱
And across culture, across religion, and across gender —
来自不同文化、不同地区、不同性别的人
except for one — there are a few answers that just keep coming back.
除一个有点例外，其它人给我的回答不外如是
So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner
第一组：最想和爱人在一起的时候
when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite.
是爱人不在身边的时候、是分开的时候或是小别重逢时。
Basically, when I get back in touch
也就是，当我能用我的想象力
with my ability to imagine myself with my partner,
想像我和爱人在一起的时候，
when my imagination comes back in the picture,
当我的想像力能回到这方面来的时候，
and when I can root it in absence and in longing,
当爱人不在而我又想要的时候
which is a major component of desire.
这就是性欲的主要组成部分
But then the second group is even more interesting:
然而，另一组回答更有趣。
I am most drawn to my partner
我最想和爱人在一起的时候
when I see him in the studio, when she is onstage,
是当我看到他在录影棚工作、在舞台上表演的时候、
when he is in his element, when she's doing something she's passionate about,
当他在做正经事的时候、当他在做她感兴趣的事情的时候，
when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him,
当我看到他在party上谜倒一大堆人的时候
when I see her hold court.
当她开庭的时候。
Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident,
一般而言，当我看到我的爱人光芒四射而又自信的时候
probably the biggest turn-on across the board.
这就是最大的刺激物了。
Radiant, as in self-sustaining.
光芒四射，在自我维系中也如此。
I look at this person — by the way, in desire
在欲望中，我看这个人
people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one,
人们很少谈论这些, 当我们粘在一起的时候
five centimeters from each other. I don't know in inches how much that is.
也就是相隔5厘米左右的时候—说实在的我不知道是几厘米
But it's also not when the other person is that far apart
但是,这种分别并不是说相隔太远
that you no longer see them.
以至于以后都不能相见。
It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance,
而是我能在一个比较合适的距离看着我爱的人
where this person that is already so familiar, so known,
那个我熟悉和相知的，
is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.
还带有点神秘,有点难以捉摸的人。
And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic elan,
我和爱人之间的距离成了一条性欲的纽带
lies that movement toward the other.
也造成了我们的相互走动
Because sometimes, as Proust says,
因为有时候，正如Proust说的那样
mystery is not about traveling to new places,
发现奥秘不一定要到一个新的地方去，
but it's about looking with new eyes.
而只要我们有新视角就行。
And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own,
所以，当我们看到我们的另一半独自
doing something in which they are enveloped,
在忙自己的事的时候。
I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception,
看着他我会对他有一种新的了解和认识，
and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.
而我对我身过的一些奥秘是常怀着关注之情的。
And then, more importantly, in this description about the other
更重要的是，对别人的了解
or myself — it's the same — what is most interesting
或者对自己的了解, 都一样.
is that there is no neediness in desire.
最有趣的是，这不需要性欲。
Nobody needs anybody.
没有谁需要谁。
There is no caretaking in desire.
性欲不存在谁照顾谁的问题。
Caretaking is mightily loving. It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.
照顾是一种了不起的大爱，是一种强大的崔情药
I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on
我还看到一些人的性欲
by somebody who needs them.
是被那些需要他们的人唤起的
Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shutdown,
想要是一回事，但需要会令人性趣索然
and women have known that forever,
这点女人最清楚了，
because anything that will bring up parenthood
因为任何母性有关的东西
will usually decrease the erotic charge.
都会降低性欲。
For good reasons, right?
很有道理，是不是?
And then the third group of answers usually would be
第三类回答是:
when I'm surprised, when we laugh together,
当我感到惊喜时，当我们一起大笑时会性趣大发，
as somebody said to me in the office today,
比如说，今天有人在我的办公室告诉我，
when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,
当他穿着无尾半正式晚礼服时最有感觉了
it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.
其实性欲与晚礼服或牛仔靴无关
But basically it's when there is novelty.
而是与猎奇有关。
But novelty isn't about new positions. It isn't a repertoire of techniques.
但新奇并不只意味着新的体位，也不是五花八门的性爱技巧
Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out?
新奇是,你将自已的哪一面展现出来？
What parts of you are just being seen?
你的哪一面你的爱人熟悉？
Because in some way one could say
因为在某种程度上，我们会说
sex isn't something you do, eh?
性交并不专指性交活动，对吧?
Sex is a place you go. It's a space you enter
性交过程其实像你在去一个地方
inside yourself and with another, or others.
是一个进入自己或对方体内的过程。
So where do you go in sex?
因此，性交时何去何从？
What parts of you do you connect to?
你们身体的哪一部分有接触?
What do you seek to express there?
你们想在那里表达些什么？
Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union?
那是一个表现性爱技巧和精神合一的地方吗？
Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive?
那是一个俏皮掏蛋的地方呢还是一个略带点侵略性质的地方呢？
Is it a place where you can finally surrender
还是一个你最后放弃
and not have to take responsibility for everything?
不想负责任的地方呢?
Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes?
它是不是一个你可以表达你孩子气的地方呢？
What comes out there? It's a language.
性爱到底是什么？其实性交是一种语言。
It isn't just a behavior.
不是一种行为。
And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in,
而我，正是对这一充满诗意的性交语言感兴趣
which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.
这就是为什么我要探讨"性商"这一概念。
You know, animals have sex.
要知道，动物也性交。
It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct.
而动物的性交是传宗接代的，是生物的，是一种自然的天性。
演讲简介：
在长期关系中，我们通常希望我们的爱人能成为我们的好朋友和性伴侣。但 Esther Perel 认为，良好的、有承诺的性关系源于两种相冲突的需要：安全感和惊喜需要。所以，你将如何维系自己的性欲呢？Perel 将用她的智慧和雄辩的口才和我们一起探索性商的奥秘。
重点讲解：
1.in other words 换言之；也就是说；也就是
例句：In other words, this kind of question is often a lead-in to a suggestion or invitation.
换言之，这种问题通常是建议或邀请的开场白。
2.drawn to 吸引,倾心
例句：He was more drawn to the literature of bygone Europe than to that of his own region.
他更倾心于往昔的欧洲文学，而忽视了本土文学。
3.a major component of 主要部分
例句：The judicial system is a major component of the political system, while judicial impartiality is a significant guarantee of social justice.
司法制度是政治制度的重要组成部分，司法公正是社会公正的重要保障。
4.passionate about 热衷于某事；有热诚；
例句：However, I can still say that I am passionate about running and running is an essential part of my balanced lifestyle.
但，我可以说，我对跑步充满激情，跑步是我平衡的生活方式中一个重要组成部分。
5.bring out 发表；说出；出版；上演
例句：Maybe select a little bit of that. And bring out this graph.
要不我们挑一点东西出来，把这个图取出来。
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