罗兹读信贝多芬给哥哥的信(1)

For my brothers Carl and Johann Beethoven

献给我的兄弟卡尔和约翰贝多芬

Oh you men who think or say that I am malevolent, stubborn, or misanthropic, how greatly do you wrong me. You do not know the secret cause which makes me seem that way to you. From childhood on, my heart and soul have been full of the tender feeling of goodwill, and I was even inclined to accomplish great things. But, think that for six years now I have been hopelessly afflicted, made worse by senseless physicians, from year to year deceived with hopes of improvement, finally compelled to face the prospect of a lasting malady (whose cure will take years or, perhaps, be impossible).

啊,世人!你们将我视为或者描述成一位脾气古怪,怀揣敌意的厌世者。这对我而言何其不公!你们不了解我外表下隐藏的秘密。从童年起,我对别人出于善意的温情总是欣然接受,满怀感激;我甚至奢求做出一番惊天动地的事业(以回报他们的厚爱)。但是,请换位思考,六年来我备受无望的折磨,庸医的治疗导致我的病情恶化。我年复一年怀着的好转的希望,全部落空;最后不得不面对这场旷日持久的病症(治愈需要耗费数年时间;也或许就是不治之症了)。

Though born with a fiery, active temperament, even susceptible to the diversions of society, I was soon compelled to isolate myself, to live life alone. If at times I tried to forget all this, oh, how harshly was I flung back by the doubly sad experience of my bad hearing. Yet it was impossible for me to say to people, "Speak Louder, shout, for I am deaf". Oh, how could I possibly admit an infirmity in the one sense which ought to be more perfect in me than others, a sense which I once possessed in the highest perfection, a perfection such as few in my profession enjoy or ever have enjoyed. – Oh I cannot do it; therefore forgive me when you see me draw back when I would have gladly mingled with you.

我生就一副火热和活泼的性格,甚至容易受到社会的干扰。但我很快就被迫把自己孤立起来,去过孤独的生活。有时我也想将一切置身事外,我那糟糕的听力所带来的双重痛苦的经历又将我无情击溃。我毕竟不能向人高呼:喂,请大声点说!因为我是个聋子!啊,我如何愿意承认,自身的某个感官出了问题。这种感官理应比别人更完美;这感官在我身上曾经到达了巅峰,其完美的程度过去或现在很少能有人匹敌。喔,无法承认!所以,如果你们看到我这个一向爱和你们一起相处的人躲开,请你们必须原谅我;

My misfortune is doubly painful to me because I am bound to be misunderstood; for me there can be no relaxation with my fellow men, no refined conversations, no mutual exchange of ideas. I must live almost alone, like one who has been banished. I can mix with society only as much as true necessity demands. If I approach near to people a hot terror seizes upon me, and I fear being exposed to the danger that my condition might be noticed. Thus it has been during the last six months which I have spent in the country. By ordering me to spare my hearing as much as possible, my intelligent doctor almost fell in with my own present frame of mind, though sometimes I ran counter to it by yielding to my desire for companionship.

要是我此时被人误解,我的不幸会让我加倍痛苦。对我来说,我已无法与同行进行深入而轻松的交谈,我已不再能与人互吐衷肠。几乎完全孤独!即使当我处于十分必要而不得不与人接触时,我也感到完全地孤独。我象一个流放者那样生活着。一旦接近人群,我就害怕万分,惟恐我的恶疾被人注意。我在乡下住了半年,情况与此相仿。我那明智的医生要我尽量保护听觉,他的建议差不多迎合了我此时的心境。尽管有时我受到想与人交际的冲动的驱使,禁不住去找人作伴。

But what a humiliation for me when someone standing next to me heard a flute in the distance and I heard nothing, or someone standing next to me heard a shepherd singing and again I heard nothing. Such incidents drove me almost to despair; a little more of that and I would have ended my life. It was only my art that held me back. Oh, it seemed to me impossible to leave the world until I had forth all that I felt was within me.

但是,当别人站在我的身旁,听到了远方的笛声,而我却听不到,别人听到了牧人的歌唱,而我还是一无所闻;这对我是何等地屈辱啊!这类事件已使我濒于绝望,差一点我只能用自杀来收场。是艺术 — 她留住了我。呵!我认为,在我还没有完成交给我的全部使命以前,就离开这个世界,这简直是不可能的。

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