1个服务员给顾客拿来了牛排，大拇指在牛肉上。

“你疯了吗?”顾客喊到，“你的手在我的牛排上!”

“什么?”服务员说，“你想让它再掉地上?”

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

1、Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma."

我们大学的校报开办了1个每周1问的专栏。上周的问题是：“你最想要什么人的签名?为什么?”和预计的1样，大部分的回答都是歌星、体育明星或者政治家。但是，最优秀的答案来自1个1年级新生，他说：“在我毕业证上签字的那个人。”

2、A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ... hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passerbys pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'

有个人开车行驶在上班的路上，1辆卡车闯红灯从侧面撞上了他的车，当时他就不省人事了。路旁的行人把他从车里拉出来并唤醒他。刚1醒过来，他就拼命的挣扎着，最后不得不用了药物才让他镇静下来。过了1会儿，他平静了，别人问他为什么要这么恐怖的挣扎，他说：“被撞之后我就什么都不知道了，当我醒过来，我发现我躺在了路边，前面是1个巨大的广告牌上面闪烁着‘壳牌’，但是有个人挡住了那个“S”。”

3、Teacher: Where does God live?

老师：上帝住哪儿?

Student: I think he lives in our bathroom.

学生：我想他应该住我家浴室。

Teacher: Why do you say that?

老师：为什么这么说?

Student: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, "God, are you still in there?"

顾客：小心，你的大拇指在我汤里了!

服务员：别担心，先生，不是很烫!

Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!

Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

服务员：茶或咖啡?先生。

第1个顾客：我要茶

第2个顾客：我也是茶——杯子要干净的!

服务员：两杯茶，哪个要干净的杯子?

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"

(Waiter exits, returns)

Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

服务员，这只苍蝇在我汤里干什么?

看起来象是在仰泳，先生……

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?

Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...

服务员，汤里有只苍蝇!

别担心，先生，面包里的蜘蛛会干掉它。

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.

服务员，我汤里有只苍蝇!

不是，先生，那是蟑螂，苍蝇在你牛排里。

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

服务员，汤里有只苍蝇!

别让别人看见，先生，要不别人都要。

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

服务员，汤里有只苍蝇!

我知道，先生，我们没有另收钱。

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!

服务员，汤里有只苍蝇!

对不起，先生，我弄走那3个时忘了这个。

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!

Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

服务员，汤里有只死苍蝇!

是的，先生，是开水杀死了它们。

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!

Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

服务员，汤里有只死苍蝇!

1美元你想要什么——活的?

aiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!

What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

服务员，汤里有只蜜蜂!

是的，先生，今天苍蝇放假。

Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.

Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.

服务员，来杯咖啡，不加奶油。

对不起，先生，奶油没了，不加奶怎么样?

Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.

I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?

服务员，你的领带在我的汤里了。

没关系，先生，它不缩水。

Waiter, your tie is in my soup!

That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

1. One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"

1天，有1个城市里的游客来到1个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见1位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着1头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫 回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"

2. a kiss At a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. The guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a 'KISS' before you begin your speech." The speaker smiled and explained, "You don't know my wife. The 'KISS' she give me stands for 'Keep It Short, Stupid.'"

3. The mean man's party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well,gosh," was the reply,"You're not coming empty-hangded,are you?吝啬鬼请客

1个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请1次客了.他在向1个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到5楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃.门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开.”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊.天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答.

I think that I'm a chicken

Psychiatrist:What's your problem?

Patient:I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist:How long has this been going on?

Patient:Ever since I was an egg!

精神病医师：你哪里不舒服?

病人：我认为我是1只鸡.

精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的?

病人：从我还是1只蛋的时候开始.

4. The Fish Net

Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?

A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.

鱼网

你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安? 老师发问道。

把许多小孔用绳子栓在1起就成了鱼网了。 小女孩回答道。

2、The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.

I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....

新老师

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。

乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗? 妈妈问。

妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。

5. The Looney Bin Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

疯人院

1天晚上，在疯人院里，1个病人说：“我是拿破仑！”另1个说：“你怎么知道？”第1个人说：“上帝对我说的！”1会儿，1个声音从另1个房间传来：“我没说！”

6. a great man Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today? Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.

1名伟人

老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是1名伟人吗？ 学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。

7. 律师、宝马和胳膊》

1个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然1辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。

“警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的!!!”律师哀怨地说。

“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”

律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?”

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

《狗住旅店》

1个人给1家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我非常希望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡1间屋子吗?”

旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

8. Who Is the Laziest?

Father:Well,Tom,I asked to your teacher today,and now I want to ask you a question.Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom:I don't know,father.

Father:Oh,yes,you do!Think!When other boys and girls are doing and writing,who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

Tom:Our teacher,father.

中文：

父亲：哎,汤姆,今天我跟你们老师谈过,现在我想问你个问题.你们班上谁最懒?

汤姆：我不知道,爸爸.

父亲：啊,不对,你知道!想想看,当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时,谁在课堂上坐着,只是看人家做功课?

汤姆：我们老师,爸爸.

9. Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."

拳击和赛跑

丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是1个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。” 朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是1个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？” 丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”

10. buying your ticket Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

11. Old Farmer Johnson was dying.The family was standing around his bed.With a low voice he said to his wife:"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife:"No,I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson:"But I want you to."

Wife:"But why?"

Johnson:"Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

译文：

老农约翰逊就要死了.他的家人都站在床边.他声音低沉地对妻子说：“我死后,我想你嫁给农夫琼斯.”

妻子说：“不,在你死后,我不能嫁给任何人.”

约翰逊：“但我希望你这么做.”

妻子：“为什么?”

约翰逊：“因为琼斯曾在1笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我.”

12. I'm Trying to Stop It

"Boy,why have you got cotton-wool in your ear?Is it infected?"

"No,sir,but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other ,so I am trying to stop it."

“孩子,你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵?它感染了吗?”

“没有,老师.可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是1个耳朵里进,1个耳朵里出,所以我要把它堵在里面.”

“I'm sorry ,Madam ,but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”

“Twenty d ollars!Why ,I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes ,but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”

“对不起,夫人,为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元.”

“20美元!为什么?不是说好只要4美元.”

“是的,但是你的孩子大喊大叫,把另外4个病人吓跑了.”

TWO：Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now,can anyone give me a good example?

John：Well ,in the summer the days are long,and in the winter the days are short.

老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理.现在,谁给我举个例子?

约翰：嗯,在夏天天都长,在冬天天都短.

13. Two Cute dogs

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him."Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

14. The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?" George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!"

典狱长对狱中1位囚犯深感同情，因为每逢周末的探访日，大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访，但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。 因此在1个探访日，典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说：“乔治，我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。”他满怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上：“告诉我，你没有任何朋友或家人吗？” 乔治回答：“喔！当然有，典狱长，只不过他们全都在这里面！”

15. Plagiarism

A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St.Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper.He summoned the student to his office."This isn't your work." he said."Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.

"You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered.

My friend amiled and show him the paper.Circled in red was:"Also see article on communism."

抄 袭

我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史,他说有1次他发现了1篇抄袭的学期论文.他把那个学生叫到了办公室.“这不是你写的,”他说,“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来.”

“你没有证据.”那学生气急败坏地说.

我朋友笑了,他把论文拿给他看.用红笔圈出来的是：“也可参阅共产主义1文.”

16. Virtue

Many years after receiving my graduate degree,I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator,someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.

When the door finally opened,I felt a compassionate pat on my back,and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me."You'll get that degree,dear," she whispered."Perseverance is a virtue."

美 德

获取研究生学位多年以后,我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员.1天,电梯里很拥挤,有人抱怨电梯效率太低.我说自我在那里当学生起,20年来电梯1直没有换过.

最后当电梯门打开时,我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了1下,回过头来我看到1位年长的修女正在朝我微笑.“你会拿到学位的,亲爱的,”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是1种美德.”

17. Mr.Clark,I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his

patient."You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.

"I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said,"let's make it nine months."

9个月吧

“克拉克先生,有个坏消息,你只有6个月可活了.”医生告诉他的病人.

病人惊呆了.“6个月我不可能付清医疗费.”

“好吧,”医生说,“那就9个月吧.”

18. Difference

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles."When I say,'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond,'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."

区 别

“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来,”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说.“我说‘下午好’,本科生们回答说‘下午好’.研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上.”