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第86届奥斯卡爆笑开场!名嘴Ellen恶搞众星。想逃过Ellen的“毒舌”,除非你不够红!哈哈哈哈。还记得去年奥斯卡开场涮各位女明星在剧中露boobs吗？这一次的开场绝对不会然你失望。附演讲稿英文版。

英语演讲稿：

Thank you very much. Thanks. Thank you very much. Welcome to the Oscars.. For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us here. It has been raining.

We’re fine, thank you for your prayers.

I’m happy to be back, I hosted seven years ago and I’m so honored and flattered that they had me back so quickly." (The applause welcoming her drowns out her punch line.)

Things are so different now. Last time for instance when I was here Cate Blanchett was nominated, Meryl Streep was nominated, Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated, Martin Scorsese was nominated. It’s so different.

There are some first time nominees here – June Squibb is nominated for Nebraska. At 84, she’s the oldest nominee. She was wonderful in Nebraska.

I’M TELLING EVERYONE YOU WERE WONDERFUL IN NEBRASKA, THE FILM THAT YOU DID. WONDERFUL.(84岁June奶奶一脸天然呆萌，艾伦单独大声的跟她说。)

We have other first-time nominees. Lupita Nyong’o is here. Amazing performance in 12 Years a Slave. She is from Kenya. She is a Kenyan.

And Barkhad Abdi is here, he is nominated for Captain Phillips. He is from Somalia. He is a Sommelier so he knows a lot about wine, and that is impressive. Who’s the wine captain now?

The real Captain Phillips is here tonight. And the real Philomena is here tonight. And, I have to say, one of the most amazing Liza Minnelli impersonators I have seen in my entire life. I must really. Seriously. Good job, sir.

Tonight’s theme is heroes in Hollywood and we need heroes now more than ever. People around the world are having hard times. And movies offer us an escape. Movies inspire us. I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world, because we all know the most important thing in the word is youth. But really, we know that the most important thing in life is love and friendship and family. And if people don’t have those things, they usually get into show business. So. We’re all one big frightened family, is what we are. I want you to know that I love you and I think you’re talented.

I think you should think of yourself as winners. Not all of you, but the people who have won before should think of yourself as winners. And I know what you’re thinking: ‘Ellen, that’s easy for you to say. You’ve been chosen to host and that’s kind of the highest award there is.’ Thank you. [bows]"

Let try to focus on you tonight if we can, seriously, the work you have done was incredible. I did a little bit of research and between all the nominees here tonight, you’ve made 1,400 fims. And you’ve gone to a total of six years of college. I’m kidding. Kids, stay in school.

I’m sure these people went to college. I mean. "Amy Adams, you went to college, right?" "Nope." Okay, who cares. You’re an amazing actress, you’re in not one but two nominated films tonight. That is too, that is so, what is the word for it? Selfish. I guess.

I really do think it’s an exceptional year for movies, of course, one of the nominees is Her and by Her, I mean Meryl Streep. Meryl has been nominated for an Oscar a total of 18 times. It sounds good, but if you do the math, between dresses, hair and makeup, that’s hundred of thousands of dollars. Simply put, Meryl cannot afford to be nominated again. That is a lot of money.

I’m listing all these people, like you’re up against each other. You’re all so talented and I don’t want you to think of this as any kind of a competition. It’s a celebration. Although who are we kidding? It’s The Hunger Games. I mean, there are cameras everywhere. You’re starving. Jennifer Lawrence won last year. It is The Hunger Games.

Jennifer, by the way, I am not going to bring up what happened last year, when you were…(摔倒的手势)You Know.

It’s ridiculous, I mean, something like that happens and it’s embarrassing and people just talk about it and it’s just, you know. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, last year, she fell on the way up. Tripped. I don’t know if she got caught on the dress. Let’s just show the clip. Because… I’m kidding, I’m not going to show the clip. I’m kidding, I am. I’m not. And you know the thing where you fell out of the car tonight? No one needs to know that, I’m not going to mention that. She fell, on the way out of the car. Like on an orange cone you tripped or something. If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar. I don’t want to risk it. I mean somebody. We can do that, right? Can we do that? No one.

Win or lose, you all look beautiful tonight. Sandy, you look beautiful And Cate, you look—everybody looks beautiful. I’m not going to say who looks the prettiest tonight, but it’s clear. It’s Jared Leto. I mean. He’s the prettiest. Boy is he pretty. Nominated for best supporting actor, and Matthew McConaughey also pretty by the way but a different, like a rugged, dirty, a dirty pretty, like a rugged dirty pretty. Good dirty, not bad dirty. Both nominated for Dallas Buyers Club, a very important movie. It deals with the serious issue of people who have sex at rodeos. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. It looks appealing, but…Speaking of sex at the rodeo, Bruce Dern is here tonight.

I just needed a transition. I have no idea. A little background on Bruce. His grandfather was the governor of Utah, his great uncle was a Pulitzer Prize-winning poet, and his Godmother was Eleanor Roosevelt. And here you are among us tonight. What went wrong?

Jonah Hill is nominated for his amazing performance in Wolf of Wall Street. Honestly, I have to say, you showed us something in that film that I have not seen for a very, very long time. You get it?

(In the movie Jonah Hill masturbates at a pool party. And Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian. You get it? Nothing makes a joke less funny than explaining it, but if you got it the first time, it was funny.)

Well, We should get started. It’s going to be an exciting night. Anything can happen, so many different possibilities. Possibility number one: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility number two: You’re all racists. And now please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway.