TED演讲之什么是爱:探索性商的奥秘(1)
So, why does good sex so often fade,
为何性爱的激情那么容易褪色？
even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?
就算是那些爱得如胶似漆的夫妇也无一例外。
And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex,
为何亲密的爱情也无法维持激情的色彩呢？
contrary to popular belief?
这和我们普遍对性生活与爱情的关系的认知相违背。
Or, the next question would be,
或者说，换第二个问题:
can we want what we already have?
我们能留住我们现有的性生活频率吗？
That's the million-dollar question, right?
这可是个很值得研究的问题，对吧?
And why is the forbidden so erotic?
再者，为什么偷腥会令人如此激情彭拜?
What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?
又是什么东西令人在偷尝云雨之情时有如此旺盛的性欲呢？
And why does sex make babies,
又是为何性爱孕育了儿女
and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?
而儿女却最终反过来却成为夫妻性爱的灾难呢？
It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it?
这对于性欲可是种致命的打击，不是么？
And when you love, how does it feel?
还有，当你爱时，你有什么感受?
And when you desire, how is it different?
并且当你产生欲望时，这种感受又会有什么不同的变化?
These are some of the questions
这些都是
that are at the center of my exploration
我今天想要探讨的问题
on the nature of erotic desire
探索现代爱情中人类的原始性冲动
and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.
和其伴随而来的困境
So I travel the globe,
为了这一研究，我去了很多国家
and what I'm noticing is that
而我注意到
everywhere where romanticism has entered,
凡是浪漫的国度
there seems to be a crisis of desire.
都面临着性欲消退的危机。
A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting —
欲望消退危机—-正如我们的需要一样,
desire as an expression of our individuality,
性欲作为我们对自身个体的表达：
of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity —
是对于我们的自由选择、偏好和身份的一种需要
desire that has become a central concept
性欲已经成为
as part of modern love and individualistic societies.
现代爱情和崇尚个人主义的社会的核心概念
You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind
要知道，这是人类历史上首次
where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term,
我们长期体验性爱
not because we want 14 children,
不是为了生一大堆孩子,比如说14个。
for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it,
或许我们部分人可能要生养育更多，以防很多可能会夭折，
and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty.
也不是源于女人生儿育女的天职。
This is the first time that we want sex over time
人类第一次将我需要性的观点超越了仅仅是体内的性欲在作怪
about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.
是因为性爱能给人们带来愉悦和稳定的关系。
So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?
那么,究竟是什么在维持着人的性欲?而维持性欲为何又这么难呢？
And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship,
要维持夫妻关系中的性欲的关键
I think is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.
我认为在于协调两种人类的基本需求。
On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability,
一方面，是我们对安全、可预测性、
for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence —
安全感、可靠性、可依赖感和对永恒的需要。
all these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives
所有这些生活中能为我们提供所需的厚实而安稳的体验的地方
that we call home.
就是我们所说的"家"。
But we also have an equally strong need — men and women —
但同时, 无论男女, 我们,还有另一种强烈的需要
for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger,
那就是对冒险，对新奇事物，神秘、危险、风险
for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise —
以及对未知有的、预料之外和惊喜的渴望。
you get the gist — for journey, for travel.
我的意思是我们喜欢出游，旅行
So reconciling our need for security
这就意味着在一段关系中，要协调我们对安稳感的需求
and our need for adventure into one relationship,
和对猎奇的需要，
or what we today like to call a passionate marriage,
我们今天称之为 “有激情的婚姻”
used to be a contradiction in terms.
过去曾是相互矛盾的的两个方面
Marriage was an economic institution
婚姻曾经是一种经济制度
in which you were given a partnership for life
你可以从中获得某种合作关系,
in terms of children and social status
它一般以孩子，社会地位
and succession and companionship.
继承权以及同伴的形式出现。
But now we want our partner to still give us all these things,
可如今，我们在希望我们的伴侣可以继续提供这些的同时
but in addition I want you to be my best friend
又要求他们成为我们的知己
and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,
做我们可交心的伴侣和激情四射的情人
and we live twice as long.
甚至还想长生不老呢
So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them
所以,当我碰到我们的另一半时，我们简直在向对方要求
to give us what once an entire village used to provide:
给我们这些过去原本一整个村庄才能提供的东西：
Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity,
如财产，名份，至死不渝的忠贞爱情,
but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.
同时你还得让我觉得你是卓尔不群，有神秘感和有敬畏心。
Give me comfort, give me edge.
安抚我的同时带给我刺激。
Give me novelty, give me familiarity.
给我新鲜感的同时又要保持亲密。
Give me predictability, give me surprise.
让我过安稳的日子的同时还要能给我惊喜。
And we think it's a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.
多数人认为这是奉献，性玩具和性感睡衣就能解决这些问题。
So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right?
现在我们应该说清楚性爱激情的现实部分了,对吧?
Because I think, in some way — and I'll come back to that —
我觉得，从某种角度讲，一会我们再会回到这个话题
but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.
其实欲望危机就是想象力的危机。
So why does good sex so often fade?
那么为什么美妙的性爱体验容易消散呢？
What is the relationship between love and desire?
爱和欲之间的联系到底是什么呢？
How do they relate, and how do they conflict?
它们是怎样联系起来的，又是怎么相互冲突的呢？
Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.
横亘在这两者之间的是性欲的奥秘。
So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have."
如果要我用一个动词来描述爱，那就是“拥有"
And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want."
而对于性欲,我想用"索求"来描述最恰当不过了。
演讲简介：
在长期关系中，我们通常希望我们的爱人能成为我们的好朋友和性伴侣。但 Esther Perel 认为，良好的、有承诺的性关系源于两种相冲突的需要：安全感和惊喜需要。所以，你将如何维系自己的性欲呢？Perel 将用她的智慧和雄辩的口才和我们一起探索性商的奥秘。
重点讲解：
1.contrary to 与……相反；违反；和…相反
例句：Because contrary to what I might have said earlier, you are a good person who.
因为与我之前所说的相反，你是个好姑娘。
2.the nature of …的本质
例句：The doctor recommended that the exact nature of the woman's illness should be kept back from her.
医生建议不要让那个妇女知道她所患疾病的确切性质。
3.in the long term 从长远角度看；从长远来看；从长远观点来看
例句："In the long term, politicians are not good at understanding financial reporting, and the more they keep out of it, the better, " says Ball.
Ball教授认为，“政府官员不懂财务报告，从长远看，他们越少插手越好。”
4.at the heart of 关键；位于…的中心；核心
例句：This needs to be big enough to make a real difference and get at the heart of the problem.
这笔金额必须足够多，以便真正解决问题的核心。
5.in terms of 根据；在…方面；按照
例句：They have got all their ducks in a row in terms of how the company should be structured.
在应如何整合公司方面，他们已一切安排妥当。
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