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JenniferNacif向我们讲解了如何在与孩子们沟通时，将控制转换为激励。Jennifer在演讲中扮演了四个性格各不相同的孩子，她以这种聪明的方式向我们展示了不同性格需求父母不同的对应。

Jennifer Nacif: The Secret to Motivating Your Child

如何激励你的孩子？正确激励孩子的4个秘诀

I’m so excited!

我真是太激动了。（观众笑声）

Well, I’m excited not only to be in TEDxSanDiego, but to touch on my favorite subject: the secret to motivating your children. I mean we try to motivate, we do our best, but generally what do we do? We use fear: "Ah, if you don’t do this, mmm, big punishment." Or we bribe them: "OK, if you do this, you’ll get this prize, or this payment."

我这么激动不仅是因为我来到了TEDxSanDiego，也更是因为可以谈及我最喜欢的话题：激励孩子们的秘诀。我们都在尽力尝试去激励孩子们，但我们通常都如何做呢？我们利用恐惧：“如果你不这么做，就要受到惩罚。”或者利用诱惑：“如果你这么做，你将得到奖励或报酬。”

And, well it works, on the short term. But there are ramifications, consequences that we’re not aware of in the long run, when we educate in this manner.

这办法确实管用，但时效不长。从长远来看，如果我们用这样的行为来教育孩子的话，这会造成种种我们意识不到的后果。

So, today I want to ask you a question: How many of you would love to have a better relationship with your children? Raise your hands. Everyone, of course!

所以，今天我想问大家一个问题。有多少人希望和你的孩子有更好的关系？希望的举手。果然大家都举手了。

Now, a harder question: How many of you believe you know, exactly, how to motivate your children? Don’t worry, don’t feel bad, I don’t see any hands. Don’t take it personally.

再来个难一点的问题。多少人觉得自己具体知道如何激励自己的孩子？别担心，不用觉得这事儿不好。我看不到人举手啊。我不是针对谁。

My studies – I’ve been studying this for more than 20 years – are that less than 2% of parents have the exact answer to this question. The good news is: all of you, by the end of this talk, are going to know, exactly, in one word, how to motivate your children.

我的这项研究已经进行二十年以上了，只有不到2%的家长具体知道这个答案。好消息是，在场所有人在我的演讲结束后，都将知道这一词秘诀，具体如何激励你的孩子们。

So, let me start by telling you a real story. I live in Mexico City and we were at a party, it was a girl’s 10th birthday; my friend has four daughters and they were behaving, not [badly], no, [terribly]! It came to a point that my friend was very tired and went to the four girls: "The four of you come here, either you behave well or we’re going to leave." Oh, and let me mention, in Mexico the best part of a party is the pinata, the famous pinata (a figure filled with goodies). No kid wants to leave before the pinata.

我先给大家讲个真实的故事。我住在墨西哥城，曾在那边参加了一个聚会，是一个小姑娘的十岁生日会。我朋友有四个孩子，而当时这四个孩子的表现不可以说差，而是要说太差！（观众笑声）终于我朋友受够了，她找到这四个小姑娘，说道：“你们四个过来，你们四个要么好好表现，要么现在就回家。”让我插一句，在墨西哥的聚会上，重头戏是皮纳塔。这就是著名的皮纳塔。（一种装满吸引人小玩意的容器）没有孩子想在见到皮纳塔前离开。

So the first daughter stares at her mom and says: "Mom, you’re right. I’ve been telling my sisters to behave, but they don’t pay attention, what can I do?" So the mom goes: "Good job, I’m doing well."

于是，第一个女儿盯着她妈妈，说道：“妈妈你说得没错，我一直跟姐妹们说要注意自己的行为，但是她们都不听，我又能怎样？”于是妈妈心想：“我做的还不错。”

The second daughter looks at the mom… (She sobs) "I’m so sorry mom, I hate disappointing you, but see, if I don’t do what my sisters say then they think I’m a goody goody, and I always follow you, and then they don’t like me."

第二个女儿也看着妈妈，（她开始哭）“妈妈对不起，我讨厌让你失望，但是，如果我不按照姐妹们说的做，他们会认为我是个乖乖仔，我总是听你的话，她们不喜欢我这样。”

But I didn’t want you to not like me either. (Sobs) Total depression. She goes to a corner, depressed. She needs therapy, probably, after that.

“可我也不想让你不喜欢。”（她接着哭）（观众大笑）非常郁闷，她走到房间角落，继续郁闷。在这之后，她可能需要心理医生。

The third daughter stares at her mom: "My mom, beautiful, wonderful ‘preciosa mamita’. You keep enjoying what you’re doing, of course I’m going to behave. I’m having a wonderful time." She waits five minutes and guess what she does? She goes back to doing what she was doing.

第三个女儿对她妈妈说：“哦我美丽、美妙的‘漂亮姑娘’（西班牙语）！（笑声）你继续享受这个聚会吧，我接下来一定好好表现。我很享受这个聚会。”安安静静五分钟后，你们猜怎么着？这姑娘又变回了老样子。

And then, the last daughter stares at her mom and she says: "Oh really? Then we leave right now!"

最后那个女儿瞪着她妈妈说道：“你认真的？行啊那咱这就走！”（笑声）

What happened? Same household, same education, [they were raised in the same place]. Why did they react so differently? You might all say, "Obvious, they’re different." So if it is so obvious, why do we so often give one instruction to different people expecting the same outcome? That’s what we’re going to talk about today.

为什么会这样？同样的家庭环境，同样的教育背景，（她们一起长大）为什么她们的反应各不相同？你可能会说：“多明显，因为他们是不同的个体。”如果真的有这么明显，那为什么我们经常给不同的人……同一个建议，然后期待他们有不同反应？这就是我们今天将要讲的内容。

So, what I did is that, all the way from Mexico city, I brought the four girls. And they are going to tell you a bit about themselves, and the most important part: what motivates each one of them in several words and in one word. So let me introduce you to the first daughter. Oh, these are mine by the way. Let me introduce you to the first daughter. Her name is Donna because she’s so dominant.

我从墨西哥城把这四个姑娘都带来了。（笑声）待会儿她们会跟你们聊聊自己，以及最重要的一点：促使她们行为的动机是什么。几个词或一个词总结。先让我向大家介绍第一个女儿。啊屏幕上这些是我闺女。（笑声）让我来给你们介绍下第一个女儿。她的名字叫唐娜，取自英文单词支配者。

Hi, I’m a controlling child, yes I am. I know it and I don’t care. I like things done, not fast, super fast. I’m very independent, I like things fast, direct, I have a lot of willpower. I mean, since I was a baby, you know, if I was going maybe 4 hours drive, I didn’t like the car seat, so I would cry. And I wouldn’t stop crying, ’til the 4 hours were over. I mean, I get what I want. I don’t ask for it, I demand it. I mean, that’s how life should be, no? Let’s get what we want, let’s insist on it. I’m adventurous, I’m powerful. So, what do you think motivates me? OK, challenges? I love being right. I know they say that it’s more important to be happy. I don’t know who says that. I mean come on! Being right is super more important than being happy. Winning and control, very important. But if you can only remember one word, remember this: I need power. I like to feel powerful. So the next time you’re communicating with me, if you take away my power, you bring out the worst in me. So If I’m at a party and my mom says, ‘if you behave badly, I’m going to take you away. Oh really? We’ll see, we’ll see who wins."

“嗨，我是一个控制狂，我知道你们怎么想，但我无所谓。我喜欢事情解决不只是快，要非常快。我非常独立，我喜欢事情解决得又快又直接，我的意志力极强。从我还是个婴儿开始，就如此。如果要坐四个小时的车，而我又不喜欢这车座，我就会哭。而且我一哭就可以哭上四个小时不带停的。我总要得到我想要的，我不是请求，而是命令。生活就是这样的不是吗？你说不是？我要得到我想要的，我会坚持。我敢作敢为，我很强大，所以你们觉得什么是我的行为的动力？挑战？我喜欢永远正确的感觉。我知道人们常说快乐最重要。我不知道这话谁说的。但是我想说，别闹了。做对了比做得开心要重要多了！胜利与控制，这两点都很重要。如果你只能记住一个词，那记着这句：我要权力。我喜欢强大的感觉。所以下次你和我谈话的时候，如果你把我的权力夺走，我心中最糟糕的一面就会显现。因此如果我妈在一个聚会上这样跟我说：‘如果你表现太差，我就带你走。’呦你认真的？我倒要看看，我们谁赢。”

So, the question here is: what should the mother have said? Well, the answer, before creating things, is ask yourselves: what motivates my D daughter? Power. So, why don’t I tell Donna: "Hey Donna, I need to ask for a favour. See, your sisters follow you. I wish they would follow me more, and I need your help. I know I’m asking a lot because you’re just 10 years old. And what I’m asking you to do, well, generally, we ask adults. So I hope you can do this. Can you help me set an example for your sisters? Can you do that?" What? D is going to resist that? I mean that’s gold to my ears. So we get the first good outcome.

问题来了：这位妈妈应该说什么？答案是，在说话之前先问问你自己，是什么在鼓舞我的女儿唐娜？权力。所以我为什么不这么问问唐娜呢？“唐娜，我想拜托你帮个忙。你看，你的姐妹们总是听你的。我希望她能更听我的话，所以我需要你的帮助。我知道我要你做的这些太难，毕竟你只有十岁。我希望你做的这些事，通常都是希望成年人能做到的。我希望你也能做到这些。你能帮我在你的姐妹面前树立一个榜样吗？你能做到吗？”什么？唐娜会拒绝？这简直就是我梦寐以求好吧。于是，我们成功拿下了第一个。

And now I want to introduce you to Sally. Before introducing you to Sally, this is my D daughter. So this is how I’ve become an expert on the subject.

接下来我要给大家介绍莎莉。在介绍莎莉之前，让大家看看我的‘唐娜’。这就是为什么我能在这方面成为专家。（笑声）

Hello, I am Sally the social girl. I’m a happy kid, I love fun, I love doing happy things, and connecting with people, talking to people, knowing people. Is there anything else in life than knowing a lot of friends, and having a lot of friends? So to me, helping others and having a great old time is wonderful. At the party you must ask yourselves what motivates us? OK, so as social people, we need to connect with people, to make friends, to help] others. Our keywords are: connection and fun. My mother could have just come and said, how about if she would have said: ‘Hey look at all those trees, don’t they make amazing hiding places? Why don’t you organize a great hide and seek game?’ You think I’m going to resist that? You think I’m going to want to go back to do what I was doing, when I can do a hide and seek game? See how it flows, how naturally it comes, when we are motivated to do what we were born to do? So that’s our social girl. And let me introduce you to Vivi, my social sister. She has given me the experience to deal with social people. If you’re hearing a laugh, it’s my mom.

“大家好，我是莎莉，是社交派。我非常开心，我喜欢有趣的东西，喜欢做让人开心的事儿。我喜欢和人沟通，说话和了解他们。生活不就是为了认识一群人，再拥有一群朋友吗？所以对我而言，帮助别人，一起享受美好时光最为美好。你可能会问，在一个聚会上，我们这样的人会有动力做什么呢？对于社交派，我们需要和别人互动。要交朋友，要帮助他人。我们的关键词是：沟通与乐趣。我妈妈可以过来跟我说，她可以这样说：‘看看这些树，你不觉得那里很适合捉迷藏吗？你可以组织一场很有趣的捉迷藏游戏。’你觉得我会拒绝吗？你觉得我还会想回去做我之前做的吗？当我可以玩捉迷藏的时候？看到了吧，它自然而然就来了，什么时候我们会感受到动力？我们生来为何？这就是我们的社交派。我向大家介绍下薇薇，我的社交派妹妹。是她让我有了与社交型人群打交道的经验。如果你听见有人在笑，那一定是我妈。（笑声）

Third, I want to introduce you to Patty.

第三个了，我想向大家介绍帕蒂。

Good afternoon. My name is Patty. I love helping, stability, my family. I love being close to my family. I miss them when I’m away. I don’t like pressure, I hate confrontation. I really stress out with that. I like for people to get along, to love each other, to share, to care. What motivates me the most? Harmony, safety, kindness, acceptance, helping others. A key word for me: safety. If I feel safe, I’ll go to the end of the world, But If I feel threatened, well, I don’t do much at all. I can freeze even. So, what should have my mom said to me? She could’ve approached me and in a very loving and caring way said: ‘Patty, I know you want to please your sisters, I understand. And I know you feel bad because you want to please me, but remember, life is not about pleasing others. I know deep down in your heart you know what’s right. Trust your heart, not people outside of you, but yourself. No matter what happens, I’m always here and I love you.’ (She takes a deep breath) That felt so good. So let’s remember, if you have kids like me, always through patience, love, and understanding. No pressure please. We don’t do well. Thank you."

“下午好。（笑声）我的名字叫帕蒂，我很喜欢帮助别人，也喜欢安定和我的家人。我特别喜欢和我的家人们在一起，如果我出远门，我一定特想他们。我不喜欢压力，更讨厌竞争。一竞争我就特别紧张。我喜欢人们一起相伴，互相敬爱、分享、关心。我的最大动力是什么？和谐、安全、和善、赞同和帮助他人。我的关键词：安全。如果我觉得安全，我可以这样到天荒地老。但如果我觉得受到威胁了，我什么也不做。我甚至可能会僵掉。所以，我妈妈应该跟我说些什么呢？她可以靠近我，然后用充满爱意和关心的语调跟我说：‘帕蒂，我知道你想让你的姐妹们高兴，我懂。我也知道你不愿意惹妈妈不高兴。但你要记住，生活不是取悦他人。我相信你心底清楚这样做不对。相信你自己的心，而不是盲从于除你以外的其他人。不管发生什么，我永远在这里也永远爱你。’（她深呼了一口气）这个感觉太好了。记住，如果你的孩子和我一样，一定要保持耐心、爱意与理解。千万别施压，我们会更糟。谢谢。”

And, this is my beautiful Valentina. She’s my Patty daughter who has taught me about the kindness and wonderful human heart of that style of personality. Last but not least:

这个是我美丽的瓦伦蒂娜，她就是我的帕蒂型女儿。她让我认识到这类人所具有的和善与美好的心灵。最后一个：

Hi, My name is Anna. I am a very responsible child ever since I was born, I do what I am suppose to; I follow rules, that’s why they exist, I wish everyone would. I’m very ordered, I organize my things wonderfully well. So, I’m a very good child. I have good grades. Hey, so, you could almost say we’re the perfect children. The problem is we need to lighten up sometimes because we take so much responsibility and so much so seriously, that we always have stomach problems. When we grow up, if you know people like me, we have gastroenteritis and a lot of other stomach things. We are just way too apprehensive. So what motivates us: order, structure, mental challenges. Key word: clarity. Step by step, specific instructions and you will get the best of us.

“嗨，我的名字叫安娜，我是一个非常可靠的孩子。自从我出生起，我就知道自己应该做什么。我听从规矩，毕竟规矩就是让人遵守的，我真希望所有人都遵守。我非常有条理性，我可以把自己的东西安排妥当。所以我是个好孩子，成绩一直不错。你甚至可以说我是个完美的孩子。问题是，有时我们也需要减负。因为我们肩上的责任太重，太多。我们总会有胃病。当我们长大，如果你认识我这样的人，会发现我们有肠胃炎。以及一堆其它肠胃疾病。（笑声）我们就是太善解人意了。所以我们的动力是：秩序、结构和智力挑战。关键词是清晰。一步步地，详细的指导，你会发现我们的优点。”

And from the daughters, Anna was the one who reacted in the best way because she said, I know mom." So we could give her instructions on how she could help her sisters do better things.

在所以姑娘们中，安娜是表现最好的那个。因为她会说：“我知道的，妈妈。”所以我们可以给她一些指示。指示她如果去帮助她的姐妹们做得更好。

So, in conclusion… Oh, and let me introduce you to Vane, my analytical sister who, when I grew up, helped me understand the importance of cleanliness, that’s next to heavenliness right?

总结一下，让我先介绍下薇恩。我井井有条的姐妹，在我成长时，是她让我明白干净的重要性。简直就是在天堂旁边对吧？（笑声）

So, just to conclude, I hope that you remember, when you talk to your children, what motivates them. Is it power? Is it connection and fun? Is it safety? Is it clarity? Be it what it may be, I invite you to create a chain reaction for all parents to change manipulation to motivation. Thank you.

现在总结一下。我希望大家在和自己的孩子谈话时，记住什么能激励他们。是权力吗？还是沟通与乐趣？是安全？还是清晰？不管它是什么，我邀请你一起来创造一连串的变化让所有的父母从操纵变为鼓励。谢谢。（掌声）