TED演讲之什么是爱:探索性商的奥秘(3)
We are the only ones who have an erotic life,
人类是唯一过性生活的物种，
which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination.
所谓性生活完全是人类想象出来的东西
We are the only ones who can make love for hours,
人类也是唯一能持续几个小时做爱
have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,
有幸福时光，有多次高潮
and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it.
而没有身体抚摸的动物，因为人类能想象出这些东西。
We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it.
我们可以用意念来交欢，根本就不用直接的身体接触。
We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation,
我们能体验强大的性期待
which is a mortar to desire,
那可是性欲的动机，
the ability to imagine it, as if it's happening,
能想得到的，它就可以是发生的
to experience it as if it's happening, while nothing is happening
能体验到好像正在发生的，而实际上却没发生任何事
and everything is happening at the same time.
所有这些都可以同时发生
So when I began to think about eroticism,
所以，当我想到性兴奋时，
I began to think about the poetics of sex,
我就会想到性爱的美妙。
and if I look at it as an intelligence,
而如果我把它看作一种“智商”
then it's something that you cultivate.
那么，它就应该是你应该培养的东西。
What are the ingredients? Imagination, playfulness,
性商包括什么呢？想象力、情趣、
novelty, curiosity, mystery.
新鲜感、好奇心和神秘感。
But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.
但其核心是想象力。
But more importantly, for me to begin to understand
但更重要的是，如果说我要弄清楚
who are the couples who have an erotic spark,
哪些夫妇有性火花，
what sustains desire, I had to go back
什么东西方维系着性爱,我必须得回顾一下
to the original definition of eroticism,
性爱的最原始的定义,
the mystical definition, and I went through it
这一最神秘的定义，我经历过的
through a bifurcation by looking actually at trauma,
以一种分岐，通过创伤来看
which is the other side, and I looked at it
这就是另一面，让我来看看
looking at the community that I had grown up in,
看看我成长的社区
which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors,
那是一个在比利时的社区，所有人都是大屠杀的幸存者
and in my community there were two groups:
在这个社区里，有两类人：
those who didn't die, and those who came back to life.
一类是没有死过的，另一类是死后重生的
And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground,
那些没死过的人一般都很现实
could not experience pleasure, could not trust,
无法体会快感，不信任人
because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious,
因为他们过于谨慎、杞人忧天、焦虑
and insecure, you can't lift your head
没有安全感，不能自信地
to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative.
在性爱中解放自我，没有情趣，没安全感也缺乏想象力。
Those who came back to life were those
那些劫后余生的人
who understood the erotic as an antidote to death.
他们把性事当作忘却死亡的解药。
They knew how to keep themselves alive.
他们知道怎样让自己活下去。
And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with,
当我听到我的那些无性生活的同事的故事时
I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex,"
有时我听到别人说：我想要更多的性生活。
but generally people want better sex,
但很多时候，人们更在意性生活的质量,
and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness,
最好的是能过传统意义上性生活能提供给他们的活力、
of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality, of eros, of energy
新鲜感、动感、和充满动力的性爱
that sex used to afford them, or that they've hoped
或者他们希望
it would afford them.
能得到这性爱。
And so I began to ask a different question.
所以，我会问另一个问题：
"I shut myself off when …" began to be the question.
我何时不会有性欲。
"I turn off my desires when …" which is not the same question as,
我何时会压制自已的性欲。
"What turns me of is …" and "You turn me off when …"
是什么令我毫无性欲。你何时令我性欲全无。
And people began to say, "I turn myself off when
人们会回答说：当我心死时、当我不再喜欢我自己的身体时
I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body,
我对性也就没有任何兴趣了。
when I feel old, when I haven't had time for myself,
当我感觉自己老了，当我没有自己的时间了，
when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you,
当我没机会和你去开房时，
when I don't perform well at work,
当我工作毫无业绩可言时，
when I feel low self esteem, when I don't have a sense of self-worth,
当我没有了自尊、当我觉得没有了个人价值时，
when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take,
当我觉得我已经没有权力去想，去获得
to receive pleasure."
和去接受这种快感受时
And then I began to ask the reverse question.
然后，我会反过来问：
"I turn myself on when …" Because most of the time,
我何时会性趣大发。因为很多时候
people like to ask the question, "You turn me on,
人们喜欢问这类问题：你令我兴奋
what turns me on," and I'm out of the question. You know?
什么使我兴奋?我不可能兴奋的，对吧？
Now, if you are dead inside, the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's.
但如果你已经心死了，你的另一半可以为你们的情人节做很多事啊！
It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk.
没有人知道的，前台没有人呢。
So I turn myself on when,
所以，我让自己兴奋
I turn my desires, I wake up when …
我唤醒自己的性欲，我起来时。。。
Now, in this paradox between love and desire,
在爱与欲这对矛盾体里
what seems to be so puzzling is that the very ingredients
令人不解的是那些滋润着爱的养分——
that nurture love — mutuality, reciprocity,
相依相伴、互惠、
protection, worry, responsibility for the other —
爱护有加、担心、和为对方肩负起来的责任
are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire.
这些东西有时也会抑制性欲。
Because desire comes with a host of feelings
因为，性欲来自于一系列的
that are not always such favorites of love:
并非全是爱的情感：
jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance,
比如说妒忌、占有欲、冒犯、权力、支配
naughtiness, mischief.
俏皮、捣蛋等等。
Basically most of us will get turned on at night
一般来说，大多数人晚上都会有性兴奋
by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day.
其实白天也一样可能会有性兴奋
You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct.
性想法在政治上不算很合适
If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses,
如果每个人都能躺在床上想着满床的玖瑰
we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this.
那我们今天就没有必要来听这个演讲了。
But no, in our mind up there
但其实并不然，在我们心底的某个角落,
are a host of things going on that we don't always know
有着一些我们不知道的东西
how to bring to the person that we love,
不知道怎么样将这些东西告诉我们的爱人，
because we think love comes with selflessness
这是因为，我们认为爱是自私的，
and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness
而性欲在很大程度上出于我们的自私
in the best sense of the word:
如果说非得这么说的话
the ability to stay connected to one's self
自私就是和别人在一起的时候
in the presence of another.
只顾自我的感受。
So I want to draw that little image for you,
所以，让我稍为概括一下
because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs,
因为这需要调和一下我们与生俱来的东西
we are born with that.
这两种需要。
Our need for connection, our need for separateness,
也就是联系的需要，分离的需要
or our need for security and adventure,
或者安全和冒险的需要
or our need for togetherness and for autonomy,
团聚的需要、自我管理的需要
演讲简介：
在长期关系中，我们通常希望我们的爱人能成为我们的好朋友和性伴侣。但 Esther Perel 认为，良好的、有承诺的性关系源于两种相冲突的需要：安全感和惊喜需要。所以，你将如何维系自己的性欲呢？Perel 将用她的智慧和雄辩的口才和我们一起探索性商的奥秘。
重点讲解：
1.hint at 对别人暗示；对……暗示；暗指
例句：Bankers hint at logistics problems, arguing that companies sometimes have difficulty in getting funds out of China.
银行家暗示存在物流方面的问题，他们辩称，公司有时在从中国撤出资金方面存在困难。
2.go through 经历；经受；仔细检查
例句：But by keeping such a low profile, he did not go through the media mill until a crisis blew up, and it showed.
可正因为行事如此低调，唐熙华没有经受过媒体磨练，直到危机爆发，暴露出了他的这个弱点。
3.take off 脱下；脱掉；脱去
例句：Take off your coat and roll up your sleeve, please.
请把外衣脱下，把袖子卷起来。
4.shut off 关掉；切断；关闭
例句：The brain, therefore, might have to shut off external inputs to get this job done.
因此，大脑可能不得不关闭外部信息通道来完成任务。
5.check in 入住；办理登记手续；签到
例句：Please have a seat for a while, I'll help you with the check in procedure.
请在那边稍坐一会儿，我将会为您办理入住手续。
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