TED演讲之什么是爱:探索性商的奥秘(4)
and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap
如果你想像一下，有个小孩坐在你大腿上
and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable,
他舒服地坐在那里，既安全又舒适
and at some point all of us need to go out into the world
而在某种程度上，我们每个人都需要走出去
to discover and to explore.
去发现、去探索.
That's the beginning of desire,
这就是性欲的来源,
that exploratory needs curiosity, discovery.
探索需要好奇心和发现。
And then at some point they turn around and they look at you,
然后，在某时，他们会转过身来问看着你，
and if you tell them,
如果你对他们说：
"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place. Go for it.
“嘿，老兄，这个世界太美妙了，去享受它吧”
There's so much fun out there,"
那儿有太多乐趣了。
then they can turn away and they can experience
然后他们会去探索，同时去体验
connection and separateness at the same time.
团聚和分离。
They can go off in their imagination, off in their body,
他们会开动想象力和调动他们的身体
off in their playfulness, all the while knowing
动起嬉闹的念想，想着
that there's somebody when they come back.
回至家时爱人在等待。
But if on this side there is somebody who says,
但也有人会说：
"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.
我很担心、我很焦虑、我感到无比压抑
My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long.
我和爱人很久都不理不睬了。
What's so good out there? Don't we have everything
那里有什么好呢？我们两人在一起不就什么都有了吗？
you need together, you and I?"
就你和我？
then there are a few little reactions
这就会引起一引起小反应
that all of us can pretty much recognize.
我们很多人都能识别
Some of us will come back, came back a long time ago,
我们有些人会回到从前，很久很久以前
and that little child who comes back
那些想要回到从前的小孩
is the child who will forgo a part of himself
就是那些想放弃部分自我的小孩
in order not to lose the other.
为了不失去对方
I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection.
要想不失去爱，我就得失去自由
And I will learn to love in a certain way
而我又得学会用某种方式去爱
that will become burdened with extra worry
这会导致我们过度担心、
and extra responsibility and extra protection,
过大的责任和过度的保护而不堪重负
and I won't know how to leave you
而我又不知道怎么放手
in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure,
让你去享受、去体验快感，
in order to discover, to enter inside myself.
让你去发现，去进入我的内心世界
Translate this into adult language.
这要用成年人的语言来理解。
It starts very young. It continues into our sex lives
性欲从我们很小时候就有，它会陪我们进入我们的性生活期
up to the end.
直至我们老死。
Child number two comes back
第二个孩子回来
but looks like that over their shoulder all the time.
但伏在他们的肩上。
"Are you going to be there?
你快到了吗？
Are you going to curse me? Are you going to scold me?
你会诅骂我吗？你会责备我吗？
Are you going to be angry with me?"
你会生我的气吗？
And they may be gone, but they're never really away,
这些或许都不见了，但他们永远都不会远离，
and those are often the people that will tell you,
这些就是人们常会和你说的
in the beginning it was super hot.
开始时会很狂热。
Because in the beginning, the growing intimacy
因为刚开始时，亲密感
wasn't yet so strong
还没有这么强烈
that it actually led to the decrease of desire.
而恰恰是亲密会削弱性欲。
The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt,
联系越紧密，觉得责任越大
the less I was able to let go in your presence.
越不会放手让你走
The third child doesn't really come back.
第三个孩子不会真正的回来
So what happens, if you want to sustain desire,
那会怎样？如果你想保持性欲
it's that real dialectic piece.
这是一种真正的辩证法。
On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go.
一方面，为了享受性爱，你需要安全感。
On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure,
另一方面，如果你没有性爱，你不会享受到快感，
you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm,
不会有性亢奋，不会有高潮
you don't get excited because you spend your time
你不会兴奋，因为你花太多的时间在别人的身体上
in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.
或心理上，而忽略了自己的身体和想法。
So in this dilemma about reconciling
因此，在妥协的两难中，
these two sets of fundamental needs,
这两种基本的需要，
there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do.
让我解理了性福夫妇的一些做法。
One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.
首先，他们有很多性瘾私。
They understand that there is an erotic space
他们明白各人都应该有
that belongs to each of them.
各自的空间。
They also understand that foreplay is not something you do
他们也清楚前戏并不是
five minutes before the real thing.
你在性交前5分钟所做的事。
Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.
前戏应该从你上一次高潮结束之后就开始了。
They also understand that an erotic space
他们同时也明白，性爱空间并不是
isn't about, you begin to stroke the other.
你开始抚摸对方
It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc.,
性爱是指你开设一个空间，就象经营一间大公司一样
maybe where you leave the agile program,
在那里有你灵活的管理计划。
and you actually just enter that place
而你实际上只进入那个地方
where you stop being the good citizen
然后像个好市民一样停下来
who is taking care of things and being responsible.
谁来处理这些问题，谁来为这负责任。
Responsibility and desire just butt heads.
责任和性欲俩都只能硬碰硬
They don't really do well together.
他们不会合作。
Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes.
有性福的夫妇也明白，激情会慢慢退化。
It's pretty much like the moon. It has intermittent eclipses.
性欲这东西就很像月亮一样有阴晴圆缺。
But what they know is they know how to resurrect it.
但是，他们知道怎么恢复它。
They know how to bring it back,
他们知道怎么样让它再美满起来。
and they know how to bring it back
他们能这样做是
because they have demystified one big myth,
因为他们打破了一个神话
which is the myth of spontaneity, which is
那个自然说的神话，
that it's just going to fall from heaven while you're folding the laundry
性欲可能会在你的折叠衣物时突然出现
like a deus ex machina, and in fact they understood
就像从天而降一样，豪无征兆，而事实上，他们明白
that whatever is going to just happen
无论发生什么
in a long-term relationship already has.
在一个长期的关系中
Committed sex is premeditated sex.
有承诺的性爱是有预谋的性爱
It's willful. It's intentional.
是自愿的、你情我愿的
It's focus and presence.
是投入的和确实存在的
Merry Valentine's.
情人节快乐
演讲简介：
在长期关系中，我们通常希望我们的爱人能成为我们的好朋友和性伴侣。但 Esther Perel 认为，良好的、有承诺的性关系源于两种相冲突的需要：安全感和惊喜需要。所以，你将如何维系自己的性欲呢？Perel 将用她的智慧和雄辩的口才和我们一起探索性商的奥秘。
重点讲解：
1.at some point 在某一时刻；在某种程度
例句：And at some point, corporations are willing to stand up in defense of those corporate values, he said.
而且在一些情况下，公司愿意站出来捍卫这些准则。
2.Go for it 加油；享受；试一试
例句：t looked like something I wanted to do, so I decided to go for it.
这看上去像是我想做的事情，所以我打算试一试。
3.turn away 转变方向
例句：Of course,Philippa would not turn away from her beloved work .
当然，菲莉芭也不愿意离开她所热爱的工作。
4.be angry with 对…生气；生(某人)的气
例句：Please don't be angry with me. I was trying to help.
请不要对我生气。我只是想帮忙。
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